Up

(Gabriel)

I’m scared of swimming in the sea
dark shapes moving under me
every fear i swallow makes me small
inconsequential things occur
alarms are triggered
memories stir

it’s not the way it has to be

i’m afraid of what i do not know
i hate being undermined
i’m afraid i can be devil man
and i’m scared to be divine
don’t mess with me my fuse is short
beneath this skin these fragments caught

when i allow it to be
there’s no control over me
i have my fears
but they do not have me

walking through the undergrowth, to the house in the woods
the deeper I go, the darker it gets
i peer through the window
knock at the door
and the monster i was
so afraid of
lies curled up on the floor
is curled up on the floor just like a baby boy

i cry until i laugh

i’m afraid of being mothered
with my balls shut in the pen
i’m afraid of loving women
and i’m scared of loving men
flashbacks coming in every night
don’t tell me everything’s alright

when I allow it to be
it has no control over me
i own my fear
so it doesn’t own me

walking through the undergrowth, to the house in the woods
the deeper i go, the darker it gets
i peer through the window
knock at the door
and the monster i was
so afraid of
lies curled up on the floor
is curled up on the floor just like a baby boy

i cry until i laugh

folded in your fleshy purse
i am floating once again
while the muted sounds are pumping rhythm
all the walls close in on me
pressure’s building wave on wave
’til the water breaks – and outside i go, oh

one dot, that’s on or off, defines what is and what is not, one dot
two dot, a pair of eyes, a voice, a touch, complete surprise, two dot

growing up, growing up,
looking for a place to live
growing up, growing up
looking for a place to live
growing up, growing up,
looking for a place to live

my ghost likes to travel so far in the unknown
my ghost likes to travel so deep into your space

three dot, a trinity, a way to map the universe,
three dot
four dot, is what will make a square, a bed to build on, it’s all there,
four dot

my ghost likes to travel so far in the unknown
my ghost likes to travel so deep into your space

all the slow clouds pass us by
make the Empire State look high
as you take me in your sea-stained sweetness
it spills, it tingles and it stings
all the pleasure that it brings
’til the door has let the outside inside here

well on the floor there’s a long wooden table
on the table there’s an open book
on the page there’s a detailed drawing
and on the drawing is the name i took

my ghost likes to travel so far in the unknown
my ghost likes to travel so deep into your space

growing up, growing up,
looking for a place to live
growing up, growing up
looking for a place to live
growing up, growing up,
looking for a place to live
growing up, growing up,
looking for a place to live

my ghost likes to travel
my ghost likes to travel
moving inside of your space
my ghost likes to travel
my ghost likes to travel
moving inside of your space
my ghost likes to travel
moving inside
my ghost likes to travel
moving inside of your space
my ghost likes to travel
moving inside
my ghost likes to travel
moving inside of your space

the breathing stops, i don’t know when
in transition once again
such a struggle getting through these changes
and it all seems so absurd
to be flying like a bird
when i do not feel I’ve really landed here

lost my time lost my place in
sky blue
those two blue eyes light your face in
sky blue
i know how to fly, i know how to drown in
sky blue

warm wind blowing over the earth
sky blue
i sing through the land, the land sings through me
sky blue
reaching into the deepest shade of
sky blue

sky blue
so tired of all this travelling
so many miles away from home
i keep moving to be stable
free to wander, free to roam

train pulled out said my goodbyes
sky blue
back on the road alone with the sky
sky blue
there’s a presence here no one denies
sky blue

sky blue

sky blue
so tired of all this travelling
so many miles away from home
i keep moving to be stable
free to wander, free to roam

i can hear the same voice calling
crying out, from my heart
and that cry, what a cry
what a cry, it’s going to be
if i can stop to let it out, oh

saw a group of people forming
round a figure lying down
and someone runs to make a phone call
and the man kneels on the ground
the man kneels on the ground
there’s a tightening in my chest
i know that I’m drawn in
oh god let it not be – you

don’t leave us
don’t leave like this
don’t leave me here again
i’m not quitting on you
no one else
you’re not quitting on us
no running out

the colour in your shirt is darkening,
against the paleness of your skin
i remember how you held the goldfish
swimming around in a plastic bag
swimming around in a plastic bag

you held it up so high
in the bright lights of the fair
it slipped and fell
we looked everywhere

don’t leave us (your eyes are bright, your blood is warm)
don’t leave like this (your heart is strong, you’re holding on)
don’t leave me here again (i feel your pulse, i hold your hand)
i’m not quitting on you
there’s no one else
you’re not quitting on us
there’s no way out
no way out

don’t leave us
don’t leave like this
don’t leave me here again (i feel your pulse, i hold your hand)
i’m not quitting on you
there’s no one else
you’re not quitting on us
no running away – no way out

it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there’s nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it’s just the way that you would tied in
now there’s no-one home

i grieve for you
you leave me
‘so hard to move on
still loving what’s gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can’t handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what’s gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on

life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that’s out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

it’s just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve

let’s go

one man at the window
one girl at the bar
saw that look of recognition
when they know just who you are
i seen you on the tv
i seen you on that show
you make the people crazy
and then you let them go

before the show we calm them
we sympathise, we care
and the hostile folk we keep apart
’til the red light says ‘on air’
did you see our leather lovers
all tied up to the chair
did you catch those child molesters
no one else goes there

what a show, the barry williams show
what a show,
dysfunctional excess
is all it took for my success
the greater pain that they endure
the more you know the show will scored
it’s showtime

got the reputation of a surgeon
‘cos they cannot feel the cut
it looks so very simple
but it really is an art
they call our studio ‘the hospital’
making money from the sick
we let people be themselves
there is no other trick

‘my lover stole my girlfriend’
‘i keep beating up my ex’
‘i want to kill my neighbour’
‘my daughter’s selling sex’
‘my s/m lover hurt me’
‘my girl became a man’
‘i love my daughter’s rapist
‘my life’s gone down the pan’

what a show, the barry williams show
the barry williams show
dysfunctional excess
is all it took for my success
and when the punches start to fly
the ratings always read so high
it’s showtime

‘that girl has got no scruples’
not a wrinkle on her face
you would not believe the plot she conceived
so they’d let her take my place
well, no man is an island
no man is a sea
but this display of emotion
is all but drowning me

what a show, oh what a show
on my show, the barry williams show
it’s my show
what a show
dysfunctional excess
is all it took for my success

the best tv you’ve ever seen
where people say the things that they really mean
i hear my name, i hear them roar
for the one more time i take the floor
just one more barry williams show
we’re gonna take you where you want to go
it’s showtime

come on down
come on down

the metal jangles as the key turns
unlock the door, wipe my feet clean
oh my head sounds like that

the oil is spitting in the saucepan
i squeeze this sponge and let the cat out
oh my head sounds like that
oh my head
oh oh oh
oh oh oh

the water’s dripping in the hallway
the guy next door, he knocks his wall down
oh my head sounds like that

the knife it scrapes across the burnt brown toast
the freight train rumbles pass my window
oh my head sounds like that
oh my head
oh oh oh
oh oh oh
oh oh oh

around the axis we all spin
to determine what’s left out and what’s left in
what’s left out and what’s left in
what’s left out and what’s left in
who’s left out and who’s left in
who’s left in

the moment’s come and go like water
i try to hold them but they’re fading
oh my head sounds like that
oh my head
oh oh oh

i woke up and the world outside was dark
all so quiet before the dawn
opened up the door and walked outside
the ground was cold

i walked until i couldn’t walk anymore
to a place i’d never been
there was something stirring in the air
in front of me, i could see

more than this
more than this
so much more than this
there is something else there
when all that you had has all gone
and more than this
i stand
feeling so connected
and i’m all there
right next to you

it started when i saw the ship go down
i saw them struggle in the sea
and suddenly the picture disappears
in front of me

now we’re busy making all our busy plans
on foundations built to last
but nothing fades as fast as the future
and nothing clings like the past, until we can see

more than this
more than this
so much more than this
there is something out there
more than this
it’s coming through
and more than this
i stand alone and so connected
and I’m all there
right next to you

oh then it’s alright
when with every day another bit falls away
oh but it’s still alright, alright, alright
and like words together we can make some sense

much more than this
way beyond imagination
much more than this
beyond the stars
with my head so full
so full of fractured pictures
and i’m all there
right next to you
so much more than this
there is something else there
when all that you had has all gone
and more than this
i’m alone
feeling so connected
and i’m all there right next to you

more than this
more than this
more than this

you know the way that things go
when what you fight for starts to fall
and in that fuzzy picture
he writing stands out on the wall
so clearly on the wall

send out the signals deep and loud

and in this place, can you reassure me
with a touch, a smile – while the cradle’s burning
all the while the world is turning to noise
oh the more that it’s surrounding us
the more that it destroys
turn up the signal
wipe out the noise

send out the signals deep and loud

man i’m losing sound and sight
of all those who can tell me wrong from right
when all things beautiful and bright
sink in the night
yet there’s still something in my heart
that can find a way
to make a start
to turn up the signal
wipe out the noise

wipe out the noise
wipe out the noise
you know that’s it
you know that’s it
receive and transmit
receive and transmit
receive and transmit
you know that’s it
you know that’s it
receive and transmit
you know that’s it
you know that’s it
receive and transmit

moving down the fuselage
toward the open door
catch you looking down outside
to see what lies ahead

one by one
you watch them fall
fall through cloud
one by one
you watch them fall
no idea where they’re going
but down

where they’ve gone
where they’ve gone

watching as the sun goes down
i sit inside this plane
notice how the city lights
are like the nerves inside the brain

one by one
they’re going out
you watch them dim

one by one

you watch them fall
and wonder where they’re falling to